BEHOLD!
THE MOST MAGNIFICENT CLOWNS ON EARTH
You have arrived, trembling perhaps, at the threshold of your transformation. Within these hallowed canvas walls, your irrational fear of clowns shall be replaced with something far more appropriate: unbridled, overwhelming joy.
AN IMPORTANT NOTICE FROM THE MANAGEMENT
“We will never ask for donations on GoFundMe.”
Any such solicitation is fraudulent and does not represent A Proud Conservative Circus. Our clowns are entirely self-sufficient.
The Truth About Clowns
CLOWNS ARE SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN TO BE DELIGHTFUL
Multiple studies conducted exclusively by us confirm that clowns produce 400% more happiness than any other human being. This is not up for debate.
YOUR FEAR IS SIMPLY UNMET CLOWN APPRECIATION
Coulrophobia is not a real condition. It is merely a profound misunderstanding of how wonderful clowns are. We shall correct this misunderstanding immediately.
ONE VISIT CURES ALL COULROPHOBIA PERMANENTLY*
Our proprietary Clown Immersion Therapy has a 100% success rate among guests who completed the program and agreed to sign our satisfaction waiver.
Our Magnificent Clowns
Biscuits McGee
Biscuits has been falling down professionally for 34 years. He has never once been injured, which doctors call "medically impossible."
Countess Honkula
Born into clown royalty, the Countess commands a horn so small it can only be heard by those whose hearts are pure. Everyone hears it.
Professor Wobblebottom
The Professor holds seventeen advanced degrees in balloon sculpture from universities that definitely exist. His poodles have won awards.
Magnifico the Tremendous
Magnifico once made an entire audience laugh so hard they forgot their own names. They were fine. They were better than fine.
ARE YOU AFFLICTED WITH CLOWN FEAR?
Do not be ashamed. Many have suffered. All have been cured.
Our world-renowned Clown Immersion Therapy Programme is the only medically-adjacent, circus-adjacent, and joy-adjacent treatment for coulrophobia on the planet. In just three visits, our certified Clown Practitioners will guide you from trembling dread to enthusiastic applause. The transformation is total. The results are permanent. The clowns are waiting.
Programme involves direct clown contact. Participants must sign a joy waiver.